Nothing Will Be The Same
by Suna Miaki
Summary: Set after CoLS (spoilers). After Alec and Magnus broke up, the Shadowhunter is going through an incredibly difficult time, so bad he doesn't want to live anymore. But that's until he finds a reason that makes his new life "worthy" Some Malec but mainly Sebalec
1. When a Shadowhunter is broken down

Hi, Shadowhunters! This is the first fic I am writing in English so please forgive me for all my mistakes but I am Spanish and my English is not as good as I would like it to be. This is quite Malec but mainly Sebalec, this shipping doesn't have much support but I really like it and think they would look well together, specially after what happened at the end of CoLS... The fic is Alec POV and rated T because I do not think that the scenes are too strong (I am 14 myself), but if you think it should be turned into M please tell me. **Warning! This fic is set after the fifth book so it contains several spoilers.** Do not read if you haven't reached this point of the books.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own The Mortal Instruments or their awesome characters, they all belong to the Magnificent Cassie Clare, I just dream and fangirl about them.

Nothing Will Be The Same – 1. When a Shadowhunter is broken down

It all started soon after Max's death. I blamed myself for my little brother's death, and I haven't changed my mind about that ever since. It _was_ my fault after all. I knew Isabelle blamed herself too, but she shouln't. She was hit, she could have died I wouldn't have been able to deal with that. So it wasn't her fault. That aweful day I was the only adult in the house, and I just left, while my siblings stayed with a half-demon murderer. If only I had stayed... If only I had been the one killed...

But it had to be Max, the most inocent of us. By the Angel, he was only nine; his worries were reading enough manga and not being left apart. He was such a good child... He didn't deserve that.

And it was my fault, so I began to cut myself in order to make my guilt disappear. And it worked for a while, until Magnus found out and begged me to stop.

Of course, I did, I would have done anything Magnus asked me to. I was so in love with him... and even though I didn't know, those were the good times, when Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, loved me back.

But he didn't anymore. And it had been my fault again.

Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

No matter how deep I stabbed myself, the pain would't leave me this time. Surrounded by my own blood and crying out loud, I realised how broken down I was.

And I realised no one would care if I died.

"My fault" If I hadn't betrayed Magnus' confidence, if I hadn't tried to take away his inmortality...

Maybe, just maybe, we would still be together and everything would be alright.

I knew those regrets weren't going to help me at all, but I had become such a waste... I sliced my runes, I didn't deserve to be called a Shadowhunter anymore. Then I put some bandages on and went out of the bathroom before my sibling woke up.

I returned to my bedroom and when they came to check up on me I pretended everything was alright. Again. Like I had been doing ever since Magnus broke up with me. Two weeks ago. And it still hurt so badly... Sometimes I just wanted to end everything, and finally die. Kill myself, like the coward I had become. But it would be too easy, and I had to feel pain. To pay what I did to the only man I would ever love more than anything in the world. Because he used to be my world.

And now my world was gone.

How was that? Too bad? Too short? It feels so despairingly sad... Things will eventually get better for poor Alec, but I think that, according to his character, he may react like this after the Break-up thing and I am sure he will be suffering in the next book, so the first few characters will be about Alec's now screwed up life...

Well, you probably have heard this lots of time but a review means everything to me... :3

Read you soon,

Suna


	2. Sinking into sorrow

_Hi again! Thank you for the reviews, they encourage me to continue :)_

_I hope you like this chapter as well_

Nothing Will Be The Same – 2. Sinking into sorrow

Someone was knocking at my bedroom's door. I pulled down the sleeves of my T-shirt and opened the door to find Jace. He looked as bright as always (well, now he looked even brighter because of the Heavenly Fire thing).

-Hey, Alec, how are you doing? -He asked.

-Fine, what do you want?

-No need to be so harsh. I don't recall having done anything to you; I just wanted to know if you would train with me for a while.

-No, thanks -I replied and tried to close the door again but he pushed it before I could and entered into my room without my permission.

-This places smells like death -He said with a look of disgust-. What have you been doing?

-None of your business.

-I am your brother, remember? Your parabatai. So it is my business. Anyway, you don't look like the talkative mood so just come with my and train. I am sure it will help you forget about him – at least for some time.

At least he was kind enough not to say his name aloud.

-And why would I train with you?

-By the Angel, Alec, you can't do this to yourself... You are trying to stay away from us and make us believe everything is alright but we all know it isn't! Okey, this jerk broke your heart but...

-HE IS NOT A JERK.

-Whatever, you have to come back to your old life, whether you like it or not. You are still a Shadowhunter, and a Lightwood, so just be strong and overcome your problems. A war is coming and we are going to need you.

-What if I don't want to be a Shadowhunter anymore? I'm not even good at hunting demons, you know, I killed my first demon just a few months ago. I am not any help, and being a Shadowhunter has always been my biggest problem. If I had born mundane, being gay would have been okey, and dating a downworlder too...

-You can't be serious -Jace stared at me with disbelief, but I just looked at the floor-. If you hadn't been a shadowhunter, I wouldn't have met you! Don't you think that's worthy enough?!

I said nothing. I knew that if I opened my mouth it would make things even worse. Jace was already shaking trying to contain his rage. When I looked to him again he was holding my phone and he threw it against the wall. It broke inmediatly. I opened my eyes and yelled:

-No! Why did you do that?

-I know you've been calling him and hunging up lately -He said-. You can't continue.

-Will you just leave me alone? -I almost begged, with tears in my eyes. Jace nodded slowly and went out of my room.

Once I was alone again I just sat on the floor while crying and waited for everyone to go to sleep.

XXX

It had been hours since Jace came to visit me, and it was around three o'clock in the morning. I guessed it was safe now sneaking into the kitchen and get something to eat. I didn't eat anything the firsts days after the break-up but when the lack of food began to make me delirious, I had to continue eating, but only when the others weren't around so they wouldn't act like Jace this evening.

I was walking through the corridors towards the kitchen when I heard some noises from the training room. Everybody should be asleep by this time in the morning so I came in to check what was causing the noises, hoping it was just Church.

I froze at the entry when I recognised the shadow who was making noise by moving the weapons in an attempt to find something unknown for me.

-What are you doing here? -I asked, trying to pull myself together and sound tough. It didn't work.

Sebastian turned around to face me, slightly surprised. He had a seraph blade in his hand.

-Maybe I should ask you the same question, I thought you would be with your boyfriend now... But here you are.

-Surprised? -I replied.

He smirked while he approached to me and I unconsciously stepped back.

-Just a little bit, but mostly disappointed. I thought I would find a worthy enemy, like Jace or even your sluty sister... Elisabeth?

-Isabelle -I corrected with anger.

-That's it. What are you waiting for? -He suddenly asked.

-What? I-I am not waiting, I...

-I mean, why are you still here? Why haven't you run away to hide in your room or call your siblings yet?

-If I went to call someone, by the time I had returned you wouldn't be here anymore.

-So you want me to stay here?

-Look, I don't care about Shadowhunters' issues anymore, so if you want to steal a few weapons and cause a war, that's your problem. I can't do anything to stop you, so be free to do as you please.

I didn't really mean that. I would care if he caused a war, mainly because I didn't want my family to get hurt but it was true I couldn't do anything to stop him. Last time I tried, I ended up with some broken bones and I wasn't as skinny as I was now due to the little food I ate and the lack of training.

I was going to return to my room when he grabbed me by my wrist.

-You see, I do remember your name -He mumbled-. I couldn't forget such a name, Alexander Gideon Lightwood.

-Don't call me like that. Everybody calls me Alec.

-And that's why I wouldn't call you like that. Alexander... I love the way it sounds, don't you?

"It sends shivers down my spine". Specially since he pronounced it the way Magnus would...

-Let me go -I asked. Surprisingly, he released my wrist. We stared at each other's eyes for some seconds until I looked away-. I really should be going.

He said nothing. I turned back but everything was dark so I didn't see where I was stepping and I tripped over. I fell against Sebastian's body, but he held me in the last second. My cheeks turned red and I didn't even know what happened.

But we were kissing.

My hands had moved without me realising and they were in Sebastian's almost white hair pushing him closer to me while his hands were together in my back. Why were we kissing? That demon had killed my brother, and I had recently broke up with the love of my live... But, God, why the hell was I enjoying it?

Without stopping kissing each other we had reached my bedroom in what seemed like few seconds, what was happening?

And, there was another thing, why didn't he punch me? I thought he was homophobic...

I opened the door of my bedroom and we passed in. He broke the kiss one second to take away his shirt and so did I. My mind was telling my body to stop but it wouldn't obey, it felt so mistakenly good...

He pushed me to the bed and our clothes flew. "Alec, stop..." But when he kissed me again, all my thoughts disappeared. It was just him and me, not a murderer and a waste.

And I let myselft drown into him.

XXX

_Well, this chapter is longer than the previous one. Was it bad written? Did you like it? Just leave a review and tell me :3_

_Read you soon, _

_Suna_


	3. A bloody routine

_Thank you so much for your reviews!_

_ : he pensado en escribirlo traducido, pero no creo que haya muchos lectores españoles a los que les guste Sebalec. Aunque si tiene éxito en inglés sí que lo traduciría :)_

_I love crazy ships, so I love this ship xD It's such a pity there aren't lots of fics about them, because they deserve them._

XXX

Nothing Will Be The Same – 3.A bloody routine

When I woke up next morning, I felt horrible. Not only because of the physical pain (although it was true half of my body hurt my after the previous night), but mainly because I felt like I was betraying everything which was important to me. I was betraying my siblings by sleeping with the man who had murdered my brother. I was betraying the Clave because I should have inmediatly told them I had seen the most wanted criminal in history. And I was betraying Magnus, since I was still madly in love with him, even though we weren't together anymore.

So that morning I cut myself painfully. I deserved to feel as much pain as my body could resist.

-Alec -I recognised that voice as Isabellle's-. May I enter?

I pulled off the sleeves of my jumper and opened the door. She was smiling although it was obviously a fake smile. I could see concern in her face, and I felt even more guilty because I knew it was my fault.

-Is there something wrong? -I asked.

-Why don't you join us for breakfast? -She offered. I wasn't really hungry and I didn't want to see Jace after the things I had told him yesterday... He was probably angry and I was so ashamed.

But if I joined them, Isabelle wouldn't be so worried and unhappy, so I nodded and followed her to the dining room.

My mother was cooking some pancakes, she smiled at me as soon as she saw me.

Jace was having some orange juice and he almost spat it.

-Alec! -Jace shouted- We didn't expect you this morning! Are you feeling better?

"Actually, even worse"

-Yeah, kind of -I lied-. Your pancakes smell awesome, mum.

-They are much better than Isabelle's -Jace whispered.

-I heard you -Isabelle sent him a dead look.

The food was good, I guess, but I didn't really want to be there. I just wanted to return to my room and stay away from the others so I couldn't harm them. After the Sebastian thing I felt so... dirty, I was afraid someone could notice it in my face and ask me something I wouldn't be able to answer.

Isabelle, my mother and Jace were joking and laughing, probably trying to make me feel better. If they knew the things I had done, they wouldn't be so nice to me.

-You haven't eaten a lot, Alec -Isabelle brought me to the real world again-. Aren't you hungry?

-Not at all, but thank you anyways. I am going to my room.

-Alec, wait -My mother looked as concerned as Isabelle did. It almost killed me seeing that look in her eyes. Pity, concern, and... Maybe love? Who knows- I think you should spar with Jace, you haven't been in a hunt for more than two weeks and you won't be in a good shape if you don't train.

-Maybe tomorrow...

I entered into my room again. Jace had been right the day before: it smelled like death. It was probably dry blood I hadn't cleaned properly, or maybe it was beacuse Sebastian had been there.

God, I felt so guilty... I needed to call Magnus, I didn't even know what would I say if he answered the phone but I needed to hear his voice. I needed him to tell me everything was going to be alright, even though I knew it wasn't. But Jace had broken my phone and I couldn't try to call him anymore.

He was probably better without me. Everyone would be... Isabelle and my mother wouldn't be worried and it would relieve Jace.

"Not yet" I thought "You haven't felt enough pain yet"

I spent the whole day looking from my window until the sky was dark. Then I went to bed.

XXX

-Rise and shine, Shadowhunter.

I almost jumped from my bed when I heard that voice. Sebastian was in my room looking at me with amusement.

-What the hell are you doing here? -I demanded.

-What can I say? I enjoyed last night so much I thought you would like to repeat -He offered.

-I? Aren't you the one who wants to be in my bed again?

-Whatever, are we going to do something funny or shall I just leave?

For a few seconds, I didn't know how to reply. Of course, I should have ordered him to leave the Institute, or warned my family about him, but...

I realised I didn't want to be alone. But my siblings... they felt pity for me, and they were probably disgusted, just like my father.

Not Sebastian. I didn't believe he hated me, or he was disgusted of me for being gay (especially since he probably was, too). He didn't feel anything for me. And that was what I needed in that moment. I did hate him, and I was sure next morning I was going to feel horrible.

But not in that moment.

I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to me, joining our lips and soon we were one again.

XXX

I was right, that morning I felt horrible. I cut myself again and again, but I didn't change. I refused to see my family and spend time with them.

And at night time, he came to see me. Sebastian.

The following day was exactly like the previous one.

And then a week passed by so quickly.

Sebastian and me didn't really talk a lot, but sometimes I thought he was begining to be more open. He told me he was hiding from the Clave, but he was planing something. When he felt like talking, I just listened. He never asked and neither did I.

One day I realised I was looking forward to seeing the twilight because that meant he would be there soon. I cut myself after that, how could I possibly feel anxious to have a murderer in my bed?

He came earlier than I had expected, and he looked a little bit surprised when he saw me on the floor with a knive in my hand.

-Why are you cutting yourself? -He asked. I was glad he didn't seem worried at all. But it made me want to be honest.

-I wanted to see you -I admitted-. I shouldn't want to see you.

-Actually, I wanted to see you, too -He said, surprisingly-. I know it's wrong, but at least we feel the same. But you have been cutting yourself for a long time, haven't you?

-Well, yes... -How did he know it? Oh- You saw the scars.

-You should be careful if you don't want Jace and your sluty sister to find out.

-Her name is Isabelle.

-Well, speaking of names... I think it's time you call me Jonathan -He stared at me, waiting for an answer. I just nodded-. It's my real name, and that's the name I want you to scream in pleasure.

And our little talk was over.

XXX

The following day was as dull as the others. I had breakfast early on my own. I cut myself -I was begining to think I was getting some sick pleasure by doing that-. I had a shower and let time fly.

Until someone knocked my door.

It was Jace, bright and a little bit excited.

-Get dressed -He ordered-. We are going to hunt some demons.

-Now? -It was already dark, and that could make things more difficult.

-Yes, it is kind of an emergency -Jace explained-. I don't know if we can handle it without you, so...

-Ok, I get it, just leave me one minute and I'll join you at the hall.

XXX

_Hehe reviews, please. And sorry for my English._

_Read you soon, _

_Suna_


	4. Demons and nightmares

Nothing Will Be The Same – and Nightmares

I shouldn't have agreed to go demon hunting. Jace and Isabelle were talking, sometimes they tried to talk to me but I had nothing to say. It was already ten o'clock and I just wanted to return to the Institute, in part because Jonathan would be there in a few hours. It was also because I was freezing after not going outdoors for weeks and it was almost Christmas and... well, let's say I wasn't having a good time.

Unfortunately, Jace and Isabelle were. They hadn't been in a real fight for almost a month, and that was killing them. I didn't want to annoy them so I stayed quiet until we reached our destination.

-This is disgusting -Isabelle said.

-It's a sewer, Isabelle -Jace replied-. It has to be disgusting, otherwise it would be...

-I get it -she interrupted-. Let's find the demons so we can get out of this place.

-That's a wonderful idea -I muttered.

I wish we had been that lucky. But actually, demons found us and we were taken by surprise.

Isabelle was hit while she was turned back and soon Jace and I fought the demons.

My sister was recovered in seconds and joined us but Jace hadn't warned me of this. There were eight ravenor demons and a behemot. It was going to be a hursh fight...

Jace and Isabelle were fighting well, they had already killed three demons. I had killed one, but it had almost killed itself; I was more focused on keeping my siblings alive, and it was working.

It didn't work for a long time, though. Jace was being reckless, as always, but now he was fighting two ravenors while a behemot was approaching him.

It attacked without Jace realising. And then everything seemed so slow... I wasn't even thinking, I just jumped between my brother and the demon, so I was the one ending up injured.

-Alec! -Isabelle screamed. She finished two demons with her whip and she came by my side. Jace had killed the behemot and he was fighting the other four demons left.

-Isabelle, go and help Jace -I ordered.

-No, you have demon poison, you need to be healed right now or...

-If you don't help Jace, we will all die -I interrupted-. So, go. I'll be right here.

Isabelle thought about it for one second. Then she nodded and joined Jace.

They were fighting well, just a couple of demons left, but I couldn't see clearly. I felt my eyes close and then everything went dark.

XXX

I felt dumb. Absolutely dumb. And then there was an unbearable pain; I tried to scream but my body didn't answer. Suddenly, the pain was gone and I felt dumb again.

And I woke up, but I was again at Magnus' apartment, in Brooklyn, and he was staring at me. But his look was cold.

-I thought I told you I didn't want to see you again -He said while he was looking at my eyes. And I thought the pain before was unbearable...

-I don't know why I am here -I replied.

-Well, then you'd better go now.

-Magnus...

-Get out of my house, you stupid nephilim! -He shouted. I felt my eyes full of tears. He had called me that one time, the first time he said he loved me. But now it sounded like the worst thing his mouth could say. I was going to obey him but then everything began to spin and it was dark again.

XXX

What had that been? Was it a dream? It looked so real... And if it was a dream, why wasn't he waking up? He felt the pain again... And then, he was awake, at the Institute. For some reason, he was alone with his father.

And his father was looking at him with disgust.

-Alexander...

-Hello, dad, it's been a long time -I greeted him with a smile but he didn't smile back.

-Not long enough. Have you changed? -He asked.

-Changed? What?

-That gay think -He explained-. Maryse told me you had broken up with that warlock, so maybe you can be a good son again.

-Be a good son? Am I a bad son just for... being gay? -I was stunned, I thought he was beggining to accept it.

-Of course you are! Well, you were, because you are straight again, aren't you?

-No! I have never been straight! -I frowned, my father hadn't changed his mind at all- This is not something I chose, I just...

He slapped me. He had never hit me, he was my father even if he hated me for being gay. But now he slapped me with all of his strenght and I fell to the floor.

-Don't even touch him -My mother said, she had just entered the room with Jace and Isabelle-. He doesn't even deserve being hit, he is a disgrace.

-You aren't a Shadowhunter, Alec -Jace said-. I shouldn't have asked you to be my parabatai, it was my biggest mistake... You even fell in love with me, and that's disgusting.

-I thought if you dated a man you would realise it wasn't right -Isabelle didn't even look at me while she was talking-. But you... liked it... You are a monster, you aren't my brother.

-If only Max was here... -My mother said-. At least that way I would have a son, a real son. Not this...

-Stop! -I screamed, but they wouldn't stop. They continued saying things but their voices were remote and I couldn't understand what they were saying. Then, everything was dark again.

XXX

I opened my eyes and all I could see was light. It was white, like a cloud.

-Am I dead? Is this heaven? -I asked myself.

-Heaven? -Repeated a voice behind me. I looked at the boy who had talked. He was Max.

-Max... where are we?

-It doesn't matter -He replied-. Have you finally come for me?

-Were you waiting?

-Of course I was! -He screamed- You left me alone, with the murderer. And now you are sleeping with him. How can you do that?

-I... -I didn't know what to say, I was speechless.

-You know, it was your fault.

-I know -I admitted.

-But you don't feel guilty enough. You try to blame Sebastian, or even Isabelle. But it was all your fault, you were the only one who was eighteen, an adult.

-I know it... It was my fault, not Isabelle's -I acknowled-, and I know I can't do anything that would make you forgive me...

-Forgive you? I could never forgive you, Alexander -Max had never called me Alexander. Never-. I hate you. I wish you weren't my brother, I don't want to share blood with you.

-I am sorry...

-It doesn't matter. What you did is still there -He reminded me-. You are a waste, Alexander...

XXX

I didn't know if all those memories were true or just dreams. But they continued, I couldn't make them stop. I was becoming mad, I wanted to die so much... I just felt pain, pain in my body and pain and my heart. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't even do it...

XXX

_End of chapter 4, I hope you liked it. And poor Alec, those nightmares would torture everyone._

_The next few chapters won't be Alec's POV because he is agonizating, and I will try to update as soon as possible._

_Read you, _

_Suna_


	5. The pain in my heart

Nothing Will Be The Same – 5. The pain in my heart

Those had been difficult weeks. Almost a month since he broke up with the Shadowhunter.

Now he felt like a stranger in his own house, mostly because he had redecorated the apartment so it wouldn't remind him of his time with Alec. It still hurt him, and the boy hadn't even picked up his stuff, so sometimes he would see his T-shirt and cry like a teenager... Even the smell had changed, because Alec loved sandalwood as much as he did and it reminded him of the Shadowhunter.

Cinnamon wasn't a bad change, he liked it as well but it wasn't the same.

Actually, even though the pain was still there, he was beggining to think he was moving on. He had brought lots of people to his house lately. At first he felt bad, like if he was betraying someone but meeting with strangers now was helping him and even conforting him.

Yes, he was definitely moving on. He had had terrible break-ups so it wasn't such a big thing... right?

He sighed and looked through the window at the sky full of stars. If he had moved on then why was he thinking about his ex-boyfriend so much?

The door rang. He didn't really want to see who was there, since he knew it wasn't going to be Alec, but he had to continue working, he was the High Warlock of Brooklyn after all.

Magnus had just opened the door a bit when it was pushed from the other side and a blond boy entered his apartment like a bolt.

-Jace -Magnus muttered. The golden boy was closely followed by Isabelle-, what are the two of you doing here? Hasn't Alexander told you I don't want to have anything to do with you?

-Actually, he hasn't even said "hello" lately... -Jace began, but Isabelle punched him and he shut up.

-He's in trouble, Magnus, we need you -Isabelle said. Her eyes were full of anxiety and concern.

-Isabelle, find another warlock, there are lots of them in New York -Magnus suggested.

-He's dying -Jace said-. We were hunting demons and he was poisoned, if you don't heal him...

-There's no time to fing another warlock -Isabelle added-. Please, Magnus, we will pay you as much as you want but I'm begging you. Save my brother.

Magnus closed his eyes for a moment. He was probably going to regret it, but he nodded and quickly made a Portal to the Institute.

XXX

Magnus thought he was ready for that but he saw Alec he realised he wasn't. Alec looked even worse than he had thought, and their siblings were right: if he wasn't healed soon, he would die.

Alec was covered of sweat, his wounds looked pretty serious and he was shaking uncontrollably.

Magnus came closer to him and touched his forehead, it was burning.

-Do you think you can help him? -A voice asked. It wasn't Isabelle's or Jace's. Maryse was staring at him, he hadn't even noticed her. All Magnus could see was Alec.

-I will do as much as I can... But I promise I won't let him go easily.

-Then, he is all yours... -She muttered-. Isabelle, Jace, go out.

Both of them obeyed, but Maryse hesitated before leaving.

-Magnus... -She said-. Take a look at the wounds in his arms... They weren't made by any demon.

And then Magnus and Alec were alone in the infirmary.

Magnus did as Maryse had said and... Suddenly he felt more guilty than he had felt in his life.

Those were cuts. So many cuts... And they were obviously not made by accident.

That meant Alec had tried to kill himself, not once, not twice...

And that had been his fault.

Magnus had seen him do it before, when Max died, but Alec promised not to do it ever again, for him. But now that they weren't together Alec wouldn't keep a promise for him. He had been so stupid, he should have known Alec would react that way... Although he shouldn't be thinking about that now, Magnus should inmediatly heal the boy or he would die. And Magnus wouldn't be able to live with that feeling of guilt forever.

XXX

After hours and hours of healing the Shadowhunter, Magnus was exhausted, but he could assure the boy would live. And now he should rest, because he was even begining to have hallutinations, he would swear he just saw someone standing out of the infirmary, staring and the two boys.

-Jonathan -Alec suddenly whispered. It was cute, Magnus thought, that Alec called for his brother in a moment like. Although a part of him felt a little bit jealous. He shouldn't, he was no longer Alexander's boyfriend after all.

-He is upstairs, but he is here -Magnus muttered in his ear-, and so am I. We won't leave you, Alec, you will be alright. And I promise I will take care of you, my little Shadowhunter.

-I'm not... a waste...

-Of course you aren't -Magnus assured-. Sleep, sweetheart. Everything will be alright.

And the warlock fell asleep with the nephilim.


End file.
